I admit, my kids' lives are fairly sheltered. We are fairly strict on what they can watch on tv, they aren't exposed to anything terribly controversial if we can help it, we have a fenced in yard and they aren't allowed to run the neighborhood without J or I with them. In fact, at 6 1/2 and almost 4, we really don't let them even play in the front yard without one of us out there. I suppose they are kind of in a bubble. I suppose I'm protective. Maybe overly so by many standards.
Some new neighbors moved in several houses down over the winter. I've never met the mom or dad, but the three kids clearly have some freedom to move around the neighborhood. The six year old girl often wanders over to our house to see what the kids are up to. My mommy red flag went up when, the first day we met her, she used some older-than-six language (not swearing, but not the kind of talk we have at our house) with Meaty and my nephew, A, both three.
Fast forward to several "drop-in's" by Emma. She tends pretty quickly to pick on Meaty a little bit (teasing him, making fun) - I suppose because she's the youngest with two older brothers and it probably feels good to be the older kid for a change. She also shows up without any of her own stuff, and takes either Banany's or Meaty's...leaving them to figure out how to share while someone else takes their toys. Not an easy negotiation when someone who you didn't invite over is squirting you with your squirtgun while you stand there helpless.
This weekend, Emma shows up and Banany really wanted to play with a friend so the two girls played in the backyard for a short time before I noticed something was going on. Banany's face was distressed, Emma looked ticked. Emma ran off and Banany came into the house and burst into tears.
Bananz said that Emma was being really bossy about what they were going to play and wouldn't let Banany say a thing about it, telling her to "zip it." She left saying she was going to a different friend's house, that Banany couldn't come, and that she was mean.
Oh, Emma girl. You done woke Mama Bear.
And, P.S. Papa Bear ain't real happy either.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think my kids are even close to perfect. I want them to share. I don't want them to be bossy or bully anyone. Ever. I don't think that any kid who has a moment of "meanness" is a mean kid. But if I think someone is picking on my child, you've tapped into something not-so-pretty.
So seriously. What now? We're kind of new at this. Surely many of you have dealt with this kind of issue before...suggestions?
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- "This is so good. I can't even handle this."
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- Viv says, "Banany, do you know where Denver is?" "In Bethlehem," she replies.
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5 comments:
Remember the Porter girls from down the street? Those 2 put Nellie Olsen to shame.
They showed up with a box of “candy” for Heather who was probably 5 at the time. Fortunately, I opened it before giving it to her. It had dog poo in the little brown wrappers.
Heather never saw it but I was crushed. Crushed that such meanness toward my child could come to my front porch. How was I going to protect her from the world when it was so bold as to ring my doorbell?
Then there was Adam White who knew and used every swear word possible all directed at Luke. I remember Paul having a chat with him and telling him the “rules” of the house and they included talking nicely. He was sent home more than once.
Tell Ms Emma what the rules are at your house, break them and she goes home.
Assure A that Emma needs to learn how to be a nice friend. If she learns great, if not, A has friends who are nice and who are welcome.
Use it as a teaching moment to help A learn how to be a good friend too.
If all else fails, growl, Mama Bear, growl
What Sally said. Plus encourage Bananz to pray for her. She's going to have to deal with people like that her entire life.
it's just the beginning, really. for right now, you do have a say and you do get to intervene... but each year that goes by you are more the cheerleader and less the coach. it's hard. it's brutal. but that's life. not every person your child comes across will be kind, thoughtful, generous, sweet, and inclusive. cherish these moments when your kids are 100% under your control. all too soon they drift out of that bubble, and it hurts. i'm no pro at this, but by 3rd grade we've had "friends" not be friends anymore... and gone are the days when i can march up to a kid and remind them that they need to play nice. but it's also a great way to teach your kids that others are not always going to play fair, and that you can start giving your kids the tools they need to defend themselves--even if they just say, "I think I'm done playing now." ((Hugs))
It's certainly not easy...no great words of wisdom here other than what's already been said.
I've been thinking about this since we talked last weekend. My thoughts... Limit the time that is spent with Emma at the outset. When Ava has been in a similar situation I often manufacture a reason for her to take break (including cleaning her room, folding towels, grocery store) and send the other kids home. She's almost always grateful.
I have also said things to her like, "I don't feel like K- plays very nice with you, so I don't like you to spend a lot of time with her.' It seems to give her permission to self regulate a bit.
It's tough - I would wrap my kids in bubble wrap (emotionally and physically) every day if I could.
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